"It Is Well With My Soul" by Krystell Caycedo

“It is well with my soul.”

Dear sister, as you read my testimony, the prayer is that the Holy Ghost touches you deeply and your heart be cover with peace, replacing the pain for healing and to be able to say, “it is all with my soul.” I will confess, I prayed for a very long time about sharing in detail about the pain and suffering due to the loss of my unborn child. The Lord gave me conviction through the Holy Ghost, I can’t tell God “Use me, I surrender all.” And not give Him all of me, holding this part of my testimony to myself, for it is my grates loss and my most intimate, precious and greatest love. An indescribable type of love.

I would first like for you to read the biography from the writer of the Hymn called “It is well with my soul.” This helped me see the peace in the midst of pain in such a different light. I pray as you read it, listen to the Hymn and read my journey, you allow The Lord to gives you a peace that surpasses all understanding in your heart.

“Horatio G. Spafford was a successful lawyer and businessman in Chicago with a lovely family - a wife, Anna, and five children. However, they were not strangers to tears and tragedy. Their young son died with pneumonia in 1871, and in that same year, much of their business was lost in the great Chicago fire. Yet, God in His mercy and kindness allowed the business to flourish once more. On Nov. 21, 1873, the French ocean liner, Ville du Havre was crossing the Atlantic from the U.S. to Europe with 313 passengers on board. Among the passengers were Mrs. Spafford and their four daughters. Although Mr. Spafford had planned to go with his family, he found it necessary to stay in Chicago to help solve an unexpected business problem. He told his wife he would join her and their children in Europe a few days later. His plan was to take another ship.

On Nov. 21, 1873, the French ocean liner, Ville du Havre was crossing the Atlantic from the U.S. to Europe with 313 passengers on board. Among the passengers were Mrs. Spafford and their four daughters. Although Mr. Spafford had planned to go with his family, he found it necessary to stay in Chicago to help solve an unexpected business problem. He told his wife he would join her and their children in Europe a few days later. His plan was to take another ship.

About four days into the crossing of the Atlantic, the Ville du Harve collided with a powerful, iron-hulled Scottish ship, the Loch Earn. Suddenly, all of those on board were in grave danger. Anna hurriedly brought her four children to the deck. She knelt there with Annie, Margaret Lee, Bessie and Tanetta and prayed that God would spare them if that could be His will, or to make them willing to endure whatever awaited them. Within approximately 12 minutes, the Ville du Harve slipped beneath the dark waters of the Atlantic, carrying with it 226 of the passengers including the four Spafford children.

A sailor, rowing a small boat over the spot where the ship went down, spotted a woman floating on a piece of the wreckage. It was Anna, still alive. He pulled her into the boat and they were picked up by another large vessel which, nine days later, landed them in Cardiff, Wales. From there she wired her husband a message which began, “Saved alone, what shall I do?” Mr. Spafford later framed the telegram and placed it in his office.

Another of the ship’s survivors, Pastor Weiss, later recalled Anna saying, “God gave me four daughters. Now they have been taken from me. Someday I will understand why.”

Mr. Spafford booked passage on the next available ship and left to join his grieving wife. With the ship about four days out, the captain called Spafford to his cabin and told him they were over the place where his children went down.

According to Bertha Spafford Vester, a daughter born after the tragedy, Spafford wrote “It Is Well With My Soul” while on this journey.

“When peace like a river attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll,

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well with my soul.

Chorus:

It is well with my soul,

It is well, it is well with my soul”

Anna gave birth to three more children, one of which died at age four with dreaded pneumonia. In August 1881, the Spaffords moved to Jerusalem. Mr. Spafford died and is buried in that city.

And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, shall keep your hearts, your minds through Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:7.”

The first time I listen to the lyrics of this powerful Hymn, was in chapel, few years ago, at the university I was attending to. I heard the lyrics but, I didn’t understand to what God needed for me to. This year in 2018, a friend of mine sent it to me and again, I was taken back, however, this time the lyrics were loud and clear, I will confess, I still struggled with the guilt and hurt. Even after almost 7 years later. I cried as the words form that Hymn were made into a song, those words were tattooed inside my heart, I cried out and God touched me through the Holy Ghost.

This year on mother’s day there was an intense deep peace that came over me, as I sat down on the bedroom floor with the song, ”it is well with my soul” playing in the background, looking at the scrapbook with sonograms and words I had written with love and hopes to meet my child one day, years ago, before my child passed.  As my eyes filled with tears of release from guilt and sadness, you see, I had never taken the time to look at that stuff, the sonograms, the words I had forgotten one day I wrote, the more I felt the Lord loving on me through this song.

The pain is real, the cut was soul deep, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. No matter how much I tried to explain it to the few I shared this with, no-one genuinely expressed compassion, care, or a little of love for me and my loss.

There is no greater pain than the one of the loss of your child. I have come to realize no words can ever describe the pain and trauma it causes the mother.

For years I cried in silence (you may be crying in silence too, you need to know you are not alone.) and hated God for it, because the last time I tried to share and open up I was told, “here we go again.” That statement cause me to be silent about make emotions, pain and feelings even more. If you have been vulnerable and opened up your heart and have heard words similar to those, sister, don’t close up yourself to mourn, and to cry the death of you child like I did. It will only create self-resentment and anger. When emotions and anger aren’t express, beloved, it becomes depression. I experienced deep depression and lack of sleep. Our Father God hears you, counts your tears and He is with you.

Sister, today as you read this, I need you to hear me loud and clear;

God sees your pain,

He hears your cry,

He knows the emptiness you feel inside your hear.

My pain was deep, but God’s healing has been deeper.

My cry was loud, but God’s voice overpowers my loud cry with words of love and care.

My emptiness was so big and deep, but sister, God’s love for us is fulfilling and so pure.

He took care of my emptiness and replaced it with words of love through Scripture and the right women of God to speak to, along with other women who have experienced the same loss.

Having the correct theology is essential. As we mourn and allow God to mend our brokenness and loss, we have to know and remember, God, He also lost a son on the tree at calvary. For us and for our children. We must remember that God felt the pain that we are as well, we must turn to Him for healing, having knowledge that God understands the pain we feel. Don’t turn to the world and the temporary things it offers us to numb our suffering. The enemy is always seeking to steal, kill and destroy us.

This are the most important facts we must look at when the enemy wants to lie to us and feed us with these torments.

I once wrote, “our scars show others God is a healer” and I stand by it to this day. For almost seven years I cried in silence, I believed my pain wasn’t important and no-one cared or wanted to listen to me. I became so deeply depressed because the anger turned inward. I believed that I was to blame for the death of my unborn child and I believed I deserved the tournament. I believed that I shouldn’t be happy. Until I found the peace that surpassed my human understanding. It was a supernatural peace and calmness in my heart. God spoke directly into my heart, I counted the days form the appointment I had the DNC on. November 21st, 2011 to may 13th, 2018 and the Lord showed me “Krystell, is not 2,365 days without your child, is 2,365 days closer to meeting your child. Who is in heaven with my Father God”

At that instant the lies from the enemy were dissolved. God gave me back the years the enemy stole from me. The lies of the enemy and the guilt were over powered by the all mighty God of my life and His truth alone. And peace, the peace I had been so desperately seeking for, overtook me.

The tears I had been crying in secrecy became tears of joy, the hope was alive again, I would see my child one day. The guilt I felt to think I had killed it, was taken away by God when He showed me, it wasn’t my fault. For the life of my child was written in the book of life. The name of my child was written and by name, named by God.

My scars truly show God is a healer, even from the deepest and most painful scars. I look up at the cross and I thank God for allowing me to find salvation and hope was breathe into me by Him.

Beloved sister, I stand before you, sharing these deep pains I one day felt, today I can stand firm and share with you those pains are now healed and by Gods grace. Today I share the power of His mighty power to restore, heal, love and care for you.

It is well with my soul, those are the only words capable of describing the reality inside my heart today. And I pray, you my beloved sister can one day also say, “it is well with my soul.”

Psalm v 30:11-12

 11 You have turned my mourning into dancing for me;

 You have taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

 12 That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent.

 O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.