It Is Well With My Soul

By Laquita Smith

From the day we met we had a plan. To get married and have babies!! But first marriage! I spent all my life hearing how to  prevent having a child until I was convinced that it would never happen to me. Pregnancy that is. 

October 10, 2015 we jumped the broom and hoped to get pregnant the night of our honeymoon but that didn’t happen. So we continued to try each month but we became so discouraged from the negative pregnancy tests and aunt flow making her grand entrance with a vengeance. So we gave up! We stopped trying to conceive. I asked God for a sign. “Dear God please just let me know if I can get pregnant.”

But God! God is so faithful!  6 months of being married I missed my cycle.  After carefully checking I was 3 days late. I wasn’t impressed because I had been late on my cycle before. So we decided to give it a few more days and then test. 

Thursday at 4:30 in the morning I couldn’t wait any longer so I quietly opened the test and said a prayer. “Dear God if this is your will let it be done, if it’s not please help me to deal with another negative test. Amen.” I took the test and set it on the side of the tub and waited... if felt like the longest 3 minutes of my life. 

After what seemed like forever I looked at the test.. There was two lines one faint line and a dark line but I didn’t care all I saw was two lines! Something I never seen before. I immediately started to praise and thank God. Finally, our prayers had been answered. 

My husband and I were beyond excited! We didn’t tell our parents, we wanted to confirm with the dr’s office for sure. But how can you keep such amazing news to yourself? So we told a few of our friends. They were so excited and wanted to celebrate. So we did. 

But God had other plans. Sunday morning the cramps started coming, followed by light spotting. I did what most women do and searched on google. And I was convinced it was implantation cramps and bleeding. But my husband was not convinced so to the hospital we go. The Dr. confirmed I was pregnant for sure. The Dr. ordered a ultrasound next. We were excited. Excited to see our little sticky bean. But instead the screen was turned away and the person doing the ultrasound didn’t look good. We asked if we could see the screen he said we had to talk to the dr.   Once he said that we knew it couldn’t be good. 

The Dr. comes in and explains that my hcg levels would indicate that i was in between 7-8 weeks. But there was no baby on the ultrasound that could be seen. We were so confused. She then explained that an Ectopic pregnancy could be what is happening but was not sure. I was transferred to a women’s hospital for further review. 

Two more days of constant blood draws to check hcg levels and countless ultrasounds my baby still could not be seen on the screen. I remember praying for something to happen and to happen quickly. The third day was the hardest. It was determined I was pregnant in my Fallopian tube. On this day my levels dropped and still no sac in my womb we had to make a choice. A choice to have the surgery to terminate the pregnancy or to take the methotrexate shot. I choose neither and asked to be discharged. 

I just couldn’t do it. It felt too much like abortion to me. But the Dr. informed me that I had no choice. It was my life over the baby that would not make it. She explained that as the baby would grow it would rupture my Fallopian tubes. It could be fatal. I wanted this baby so bad that it was a risk I was willing to take. But my husband wasn’t. He said “there is no baby without you, I choose you. You have to do this.” 

We ended up deciding on taking the methotrexate shot. I cried, I mean ugly cry. Each shot it got worst. I couldn’t believe that we were here.. at that moment terminating the pregnancy. The baby we asked God for. I was angry how could God give the blessing of a child and take it away. At first I didn’t understand it. But 3 years later I understand I asked God for a sign and he delivered. But it just wasn’t my time. Although I frequently relive the painful days of my short lived pregnancy. I’m grateful for the chance. I pray everyday I will get the chance again. The chance to carry my baby full term and bring my baby home. If it’s Gods will I believe it will happen again. Until then...

It is well with my soul.